The feeling of being left behind

Once she said: I have the feeling that I can deal better with lonelyness if I am the one who leaves." And he was sitting there, holding her hand and telling her that it's probably right.

Yes, it's probably correct that it feels good or better to be the one who leaves, who has to do some important stuff, who does not have time...leaving those left behind who (otherwise) would (have to) go and desert you.
It is right to feel like having control and being the one to decide what happens in the future.

But there is a flaw in this argument, for it does never change the outcome...the feeling of solitude. Some people drink to forget, feeling the sensation of draining in a pool (like in John Cheever's The Swimmer). Some others fight the feeling by working on things (things they can control-as they believe), getting busy and keeping their mind occupied by not thinking about what is bothering.

The idea is the same: trying to find satisfaction in doing something in order to benumb the sentiment of insignificance. But the season we have already entered leaves little opportunity to take breaks from being occupied. For the moodyness is creeping through the windows, the doors, and the walls...waiting to get you.
_____________________________________________

Look to the sky and soak in every sunbeam!
Never give in to the solitiude!
For the sun is where life is...in darkness.
And the feeling of being left behind will leave by the arrival of spring...

Waking up on Saturday morning...

...at 8.30, looking at my phone and there was a missed call I saw. My girlfriend looked at me and said: She never calls at 8!
...at 8.32 we knew it: a friend's uncle died last night so that they had cancelled todays meeting.
__________________________________________

So, again, I had to learn that whatever has been planned in the past can be overthrown by what life bring in just one wink of the eye's lid...

Enjoy every day as if it's your last...never regrett things you have done (especially if they were enjoyable), for you will never know where life takes you...but the sun...the sun will rise again.

Song For The Day

Last year I felt lonely on my birthday...this year I received a message telling me that the sender is "right where she is supposed to be"...and she was right.

I also still think of the saying "home is where your heart is"...and mine is here...and there...and I wished I could be there for everyone at every place and offer a helping hand. I am a person of acting and not talking, and like it better to be somewhere doing things than discussing them.

But home...home is where you feel like you are home. And right now for me...it is where I am. For Paul van Dyk, it is "where you are". And perhaps that is the reason why I am home where I am.

28

Last year I celebrated my birthday abroad, surrounded by wonderful people the evening before, and with books during the day. I was there to study-- to learn.

Yesterday I watched a childrens TV show: "Next Stop, Afterlife" was it called and of course it was the attempt to tell kids about death, dying, and why we do not have to be afraid of it.

"We don't have to be afraid of it, because it is death that makes our life worthwhile." was what a professor told the interrogating children journalists... "when we know and accept that we will die, we appreciate life and try to do our best, everyday."

During the last 28 years I did not always live life the best way I could have...

But this year, as I blow out the candle(s) my wish will be to act more wisely; to appreciate life. I want to be a better man and to cherish what I have--not looking to what I do not have...

driving a rusty nail into a tree

Today he answered my message...questions about his well being and why he quit having contact with his family answered by: "Don't worry about me, I never felt better in my life!" After breaking up contact to his family...my family.

He said two thirds of his psychotic disease is the broken home...a broken home my sister lives in still...who knows for how long."Be happy that your dad was not responsible for the development of your life" he sais...what does one answer to that?

He quit contact yesterday, had planned it for his sisters birthday last week, but got sick.

Yes, I know just the side of my father...and he is right...but I will have to find out the rest...the other side. Hoping I can help (whatever "help" will be like).

I don't know what to do right now, but it feels like someone's driving a rusty nail into me, like into a tree...beating, squaking, tearing the flesh.

About a disaster

There it is black
Dark, cloudish and wet.
Was yelling weeks ago
Already.
But now that it's there
I can't speak.
Not speak of what is going on

In my mind--
There's nothing.
Not pain or fear
Although I hear
it through the receiver.

He was here yesterday,
Told that he won't ever
Come back. So this was th last time?
For sure--yeah,
He's gone.

And I might move out whithin weeks--
And move on alone once again.

Alright, I will call you, when
I can talk freely and we can
Discuss what will happen.

So I'll have to split in to pieces
Again--
Again, and again--
Until there's enough of me.
To solve all the trouble.

I should be more selfish.

Here I sit in the office...as I have done it for most of the days during my summer break. Skipping only for short vacation trips, friends who came over to spend a week with us, and when I did not feel like going to sit in a room where no one passes by during the four to five hours I would sit there, trying to write papers.

I finished the last paper in German language, for this term, yesterday, handed it in and will now wait how they turn out. Today there was a day of mixed feelings. Emotions are a weird thing and it will be interesting to write about a poet whose ability was to paint pictures of her inner feelings, by putting words together to lines, to verses, to poems.

Expressing what we feel is not always that easy...sometimes people cannot talk but just act, or show how they feel...and often these ways are everything but "normal" to others, surrounding them. These people think we're weird or simply "unusual"; some laugh, some just look away, and some are so self-absorbed that they won't even realize it.

However, emotions, no matter if positive or negative, have one uniting aspect:
All human beings are in possession of them...



The gloomy season has started a couple of days ago...a foggy morning, a walk in the moistly grass, a look at the many colors of leaves still clinging to the branches or already dropped. Yes, it's fall, will be winter soon; the season where emotions are more intense...